SQUEEEEE

At work and no real time to blog right now, but wanted to post this pic as a quick update!  Yes, that's a second line!!!!  Looks like I'm officially pregnant!  Full update to come later :-)

Faint but positive!

Conversation with the Landlord

Earlier today I called my landlord to let her know that I will be moving early next month.  She expressed sadness that I would be vacating my house.  I, of course, am a worry-free tenant who doesn't cause problems, pays on time, fixes my own broke stuff when I can, and doesn't throw wild parties till the wee hours of the morning...man how times have changed on that last point over the years!  I know she is probably not looking forward to finding someone who will care for her family home as much as I have these past two years.  And since the house sits on the front of her family's compound (as I like to call it), finding a person who is as phenomenal as I am to take my place...well, that's just impossible!  But my awesomness as a renter is not what I'm here to talk about today.  Today I am here to talk about the conversation I had with my landlord when I arrived home from work.

You all are aware, at least I hope you have figured it out by now, that I'm undergoing IUI sometime at the end of this month.  My luck it'll be on Memorial Day, since I tend to like to excite the holidays a little bit.  My hand injury and meningoencephalitis hospital stay covered Christmas and New Years back in 2008/09, so Memorial Day sounds good for this process.  Maybe a Valentine's Day birth?  Anyway, my landlord was unaware of this decision until I spoke to her earlier.  I had called while at work to let her know I was moving, and when she asked why, I told her I was doing a pregnant thing.  I can't remember my exact words, but she assumed I was already "with child."  When I arrived home this evening, she was doing some yard work outside my front door.  I have a feeling she just wanted to talk to me in person since she vanished after we spoke.  Right off the bat she asked me when I was due.  I hadn't really been that explanatory of my decision over the phone to her, as it's a little awkward still since many people have varying opinions on my decision.  Needless to say, I took this opportunity to divulge more information and move the conversation more to the point.  And this is where is got interesting...

At first I wasn't sure how she took the information.  I have gathered from my time here that she is a lot more religious than me.  I don't go to church and consider myself more of an agnostic pagan than anything else.  Don't get me wrong or tune out because of that!  I believe to each their own.  I don't expect people to agree with my spiritual/mother nature/cosmos beliefs, nor want to be pushed to be "saved" by converting to anyone else's beliefs.  I really don't feel that any one system of religion or spirituality, or whatever you want to call it, is better than another.  As long as you're a good person and do your damnedest not to hurt anyone, then I'm all good.  You could worship a piece of half-charred popcorn for all I care, just don't let it come to another person's harm.  Don't hate and don't push and shove...just be respectful that not everyone thinks and feels the way you do....but once again I digress...

So back to my landlord...

I initially wasn't quite sure how she took the news.  Her eyes got big and she wished me luck.  Inwardly I questioned if she understood or was immediately judging me.  This idea in my head of her judging me was completely not something I was going to let slide.  So I opened up the conversation to give her a bit more information.  I figured if I was willing and openly sharing the experience with anyone on the internet who wanted to read my blog, then I could just as easily explain to her my current choices.  We spoke of past relationships, heartbreak, children, and life plans that change and develop along completely unplanned paths as we travel through life.  I had no idea she was widowed at 44 with two children to raise on her own.  She said it was by no means a perfect marriage and that he had made some pretty awful life choices towards the end.  Even so, the loneliness she felt for years after her husband passed was in no way curable...not even by her children and close extended family.  She was by no means complaining or discouraging.  She was simply opening up about how difficult it can be to find the joy and harmony in life even when your children and other family members are right there in front of you.  I feel in my heart of hearts that she was trying to pass to me the wisdom of not expecting my child to cure any of my daily woes...don't expect never to be lonely again; don't expect that everything will work out perfect because forces are at work beyond your control; and definitely don't take any of it for granted--even the tough times--for it may all be gone in a flash before you know it. These are things I try to be aware of daily, but oftentimes forget in the hustle and bustle of life...this happens more often that I care to admit.

I was glad to hear she had recovered from this tumultuous point in her life...it took time, but she was living again and happy.  Once the tough times were through, she regained her spirit and place in this crazy world.  After relating this story to me, she spoke of her now 20-something daughter and how her daughter had recently said she didn't think she would ever want to get married because she couldn't find a decent man to even date.  We both had a chuckle at this!  It seems just about every woman I have spoken with recently feels the same way.  It seems we have mostly been through hell and back and are beginning to decide that hell is not such a great place to live on a daily basis (I refuse to capitalize hell because I don't believe it to be an actual place, more of a state of mind).  It is most definitely disheartening that this is becoming the normal train of thought for women.  The divorce rate numbers in this country are about even to if not higher than the number of marriages that last.  More and more women are going my route, and the bitterness and negativity regarding relationships seems to be growing at an alarming rate!  Why?  Have our core moral values changed?  Have we forgotten how to love?  Is it that as children our adult role models astronomically dropped the ball?  Or are we just lackadaisical on the matter?

I don't know the answers, all I have are questions.  As a hard-core scientist by nature, I'm thinking there's a really good research paper in there somewhere.  What I do know for certain is that I am not alone in my thinking and current life choices.  Even the doc's office mentioned how they are seeing more women like myself taking on single motherhood because of failed relationships.  Seems infertility at these clinics may be outnumbered by women who are alone and no longer willing to wait or compromise...which to me is way better than "accidentally" having a child because of precautionary failure!  And I will admittedly say I'd rather  have a child alone than go through a horrible divorce later with a child involved.  I would rather be the sole decision maker and take on the extra burden of single parenting than possibly irrevocably damage a child with in-family fighting.  Once again, don't take that the wrong way!  I know that type of situation is not necessarily a choice and can often blindside someone...so many things are outside our basic control.  I am also in no way implying that unbalanced relationships will unequivocally damage the child.  I'm not that kind of thinker, just simply trying to make a point.  I'm just surprised and disheartened that I'm not more alone...although I guess that may be a good thing?

In the end, I just found my conversation with my landlord very enlightening.  I have heard other people's opinions and concerns, most of these being family and close friends. To hear a completely unbiased voice was interesting and a bit refreshing.  I find it somewhat sad that single parenting choices are beginning to outweigh other directions, but I also feel somewhat comforted.  Either way you'll never be prepared, so I guess either way is just as good a path.  All I really know in the end is that I'm extremely excited and totally committed to my decision!  I know I'll be a fantastic mom.  And although times will not always be perfect, I will strive every day to remind myself to take in every moment and not lose sight of the wondrous life that I have helped create and nurture.  Regardless of my past or present, the future is going to be absolutely astounding and remarkable!  Daily affirmation...the world is bigger and more powerful than you, so hold on to everything big and small, for that is where you are saved!

Ugh!  I hope this is somewhat coherent and logically flows!  I mostly write in a fury and sometimes get off topic and jump between completely different trains of thought.  I try to re-read at the moment but am tangled up and miss basic grammar and concepts of motion. I will most undoubtedly go back in 2-3 days and rewrite some stuff or clean up what is already there.  As they taught me in grad school...writing isn't writing but rewriting!  If you see any majorly glaring typos or anything that just doesn't make sense, please feel free to let me know!  I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so that kind of stuff drives me batty!  Hate to ruin a good flow with bad wordage, hahahahahaha!

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I am Ashley's Discarded Eggs

I woke up this morning with a random thought in my head...well, I do that just about every morning, but today was especially marked in that it was a completely unique thought to me.  Lately I've been having a lot of these, mostly regarding motherhood, injections, ovulating, my uterus, etc.  Not that I've never pondered these topics, mind you.  But lately these topics have taken on whole new meanings, and I find myself engrossed in unusual  mental territory oftentimes backed with quite a bit of what I find to be somewhat amusing imagery.  I have always had the ability to entertain myself, and will often chuckle to myself for no apparent reason.  That said, everyone may not have the same reaction I had to this mornings particular train of thought.

First a little bit of background knowledge...  A woman is born with all her eggs. Actually by 20 weeks old, way before actual birth, is when all eggs are fully formed and at their maximum count.  How many eggs?  Depending on which source you scour, which I am a scourer of knowledge, you may get a differing answer.  But usually the numbers are up there in the low millions, roughly around 2 million.  The count varies by individual, and like I said, different sources claim different counts...which just means science isn't perfect and we're still learning.  Regardless of the actual factual number, from the moment when all of our eggs are gathered in the proverbial basket, we start uncontrollably killing off our offspring.  (I know a few parents out there to whom this may sound like a pretty damned good idea since they are dealing with those massively horrible teenage years at the moment. Yay! Something to which I can look forward!).  By the time we are actually born, our egg count has dropped drastically to approximately 600,000...once again this varies by individual and the number of eggs one actually produces as a fetus.  By puberty we're down another 200,000.  Whoa!

And after puberty?  Well every month we develop multiple eggs, although only one is normally released to travel along that wondrous path of creation with the higher-than-actually-getting-born-chance of entering into the world and becoming a little teenage shit!  Hahahaha!  Didn't see that coming did you?  Btw, both my brothers are dealing with newbie teenagers right now so that's where the teenage cracks are coming from.  I'm learning invaluable information regarding the horrors of this stage of parenting...the type I never realized whilst I was a teenager, of course, cause I was a freakin' angel! O:-) <-------notice my BIG halo! The other eggs developing every month?  Well they just shrivel up and die!  Which is exactly what will happen to the oh-so-special released egg if the elusive one sperm in a gajillion doesn't reach it's goal!

Okay, at this point some of you may be asking where this is leading and wondering why I find this amusing.  It's not the science behind the process that got me going this morning, it was the imagery that popped into my head while I regarded the science.  Has anyone here seen or read the Hunger Games?  Has anyone here been living under a rock for several months?  If you answered yes to question 2, then you probably answered no to question 1.  I seriously doubt anyone answered no to question 1, and if so I apologize as this may be a bit confusing.  But for those who answered yes...I woke up this morning with the imagery that what is left of my eggs, which is approaching an alarmingly smaller and smaller number every month, are "tributes" in a Hunger Game style reaping.  Each one is marked and has the potential for death every month, but only so many are chosen to compete in the arena.  At this point, the "chosen" ones go into the death-match arena and there can only be one survivor!  But in the end, if the sole survivor of the death match doesn't satisfy the masses (aka gajillion sperm), it is also exterminated!  Unfortunately unlike the book/movie, this reaping occurs monthly instead of yearly.  I know this isn't a perfect metaphor, but I'm sure you get where I'm coming from.

The other image I had this morning in regards to the same pondering, was one where all of my eggs were shoving this one poor little sacrificial egg towards the fallopian tubes. This image consisted of the poor little fella holding on to the edges of the tube entrance and pleading not to be pushed to certain death!   "Not me, Not yet!"  "Just one more month!" "You ought not done that, he's just a boy!" *All other eggs sneering and pushing like big-egged bullies* While this may not seem amusing, and I'd draw you a picture to relate the visual if I had any artistic talent besides dancing...(maybe an interpretive dance video?)...anyway, the thought just cracked me up! Like I said before, everyone may not get my inner humor!  I suppose the thought was driven my contemplation and realization that this was the first month in all my years in which I purposefully decided to doom this month's egg and that next month's egg had full potential of actual survival beyond my uterus.

On the flip side of my amusement, I also for the first time harbored a since of guilt about this natural monthly sacrifice.  Even though I've been doing this involuntarily since inside the womb, this month just felt different.  This month seemed more like a choice, whereas all the other months it was simply mother nature doing what she does.  And next month will also be a choice...the conscious choice to actually try and fertilize the "tribute" rather than kill it off in the death-match arena before it even stands a chance!  It is highly likely my self-amusing imagery was some sort of defense mechanism against the realization of all the possibilities lost throughout my life...of all the eggs discarded that were each, at 20 weeks, possibly a wonderful little bundle of cuddly, amazing, unique joy.  Then again, things happen the way they're supposed to in the end.  Next month, if everything goes as planned, one of those possible bundles of cuddly, amazing, unique joy will no longer be hanging on the precipice of extinction and actually be on it's way to becoming that teenage horror which I may at some crazed moment wish back into the arena because it has displeased the masses!

So there you go...my random thought of the day. :)

I found this particular site very informative for those who are interested. http://www.infertile.com/brochures/biological_clock04.htm  There is a lot of information out there, and a lot of it conflicting even between scientists and doctors.  The basics remain the same, so this was a good middle-of-the-road site.

Not sure what the rules are for using other people's images in blogs (I'm new at this), but must give credit on the second pic to the creative genius of Gary Larson's The Far Side®  

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HSG Panic and Procedure

So finally on to part 2...
Scouring the internet for other women's experienced with their HSG's provided much daunting information.  Most accounts were full of angst, pain, sever cramping enough to make the person hurl (while still on the doc's table), bleeding, etc.  Nothing much to grasp on to in hopes of a, if not pleasant, at least not an all that bothersome experience.   Of course, reading all these horror stories got me majorly wound up to say the least.  I was so wound up by the time the day of my appointment came, I was glad to have some Xanax on hand.  It helped calm my nerves slightly, and I began to relax knowing no matter how bad it was, in the end I was having a necessary procedure that's end goal was finally getting the all clear to start my IUIs.

So the day of HSG, I woke up, went to work, downed a Xanax, and waited.  At noon I left the office to go to the radiology clinic.  I had my mother with me, as she is sort of being my surrogate husband through all of this.  I think it important to have someone there with a second set of ears, since there is a lot of information to absorb and a ton of questions that one needs to remember to ask.  Following the advice of my doc and other women, I also took a painkiller...as a matter of fact, by the time I made it onto the doc's table almost 2 hours later, I had had two of these.  Overkill you say?  Maybe, but I wasn't taking any chances.  So, onto the procedure...

As usual with any type of gynecological appointment, it was the same thing...disrobe from the waist down, hop up on the table, spread eagle and slide to the end.  After so many years of doing this same maneuver, I still have yet to become comfortable with the whole thing.  But we do what we have to do!  So there I am, in the usual feet-in-stirrups position splayed to the world, with four other people in the room...the gynecologist performing the procedure, my secondary doctor, the nurse, and for mental support, my mom (don't be grossed out, she was behind me in a chair, not getting the doc's view).  And as usual, the speculum comes out...why is it always cold?  Once I am propped open and ready, which always takes some adjusting since I have a "tilted' uterus, the gyno performing the procedure informs me they are going to inject some lidocaine into my cervix...say what?  Not one of the forums I read bothered to mention this!  Needles are bad enough, but needles in my cervix, so not cool!!!  So naturally I tense up for a moment, doc says to relax and on
 the count of three give a big cough...1...2...3...COUGH!  Odd that the doc complimented me on my coughing skills, but I'm glad because I have a feeling the cough is necessary to take your mind away from the  needle prick.  Needles to say, hahahahaha, I didn't feel a thing!  No pressure, no stab, nothing!  That was a relief!

After the injection, the doc then inserts a catheter up through the cervix and slowly injects dye into the uterus.  The dye then pushes through the fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages, leaks, or anything else of concern.  Here is where I get lucky!  Most of the horror stories I read were from women with tubal blockages.  The pressure from the dye pushing into the blocked tube, supposedly, can cause immense pain.  Well I really don't know if it was because of the pain pills or because I had no internal issues, but the procedure was nothing like I expected.  It was slightly uncomfortable, there was a little pressure as they rolled me from side to side to get the dye into each tube, but then it was all over in probably less than 5 minutes.  Afterward they had me get up slowly, as from the look of the gauze on the table it causes some pretty good bleeding, and get dressed...no locking the door to the bathroom though, in case you have emergency...which I assume is getting light-headed and passing out!

In the end, after all that build-up and panic, the procedure, at least for me, wasn't too awful.  I have had much worse things done to me, so this was nothing!  I will say that I was a bit light-headed the rest of the day, but that might have been from the pills.  And for the next few days I did have some cramping and light bleeding, but nothing that screamed of the horrors other women described.  Which is great, cause some of them made it sound a little worse than birthing a child!  I guess I learned that most people who go into these forums discuss the worst case scenarios.  I will try not to take them too seriously from now on.  That's not to say I still won't over-research everything, that's just who I am.  But in the future I will take these things with a grain of salt...and of course that pain pill if I feel it's necessary!  No point in taking a chance on that one, hahahaha!

Final result, my tubes look perfect, I have a follow up appointment with my doc on Thursday, April 26th, and I'm basically all clear for take-off!  Next step is finally deciding 100% on a donor and tracking my ovulation...but we'll save those things for another day :-)

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Preparing for Hysterosalpinogram

I promised in my first post to go back and explain the "procedure" I had yesterday.  The long-winded term is Hysterosalpinogram...but it is better known as an HSG (probably because no one can pronounce the damned thing). A week ago I had absolutely no clue what an HSG was, nor had I ever heard the term.  MSG I've heard of that, who hasn't?  But when the doc told me on my initial visit that I needed to schedule an HSG with the receptionist, I was almost completely clueless as to what that meant.  Don't get me wrong, he explained enough for me to understand that it was a procedure where they inject dye into the uterus to check that the uterus is in good working order and fallopian tubes are clear of any blockages or what-not.  This is to insure there is nothing in the way to obstruct either the sperm or egg from traveling the pathways necessary to "hook-up" on the dance floor, if know what I mean.  That's all good and fine, nothing like knowing ahead of time if there is anything that could possibly cause problems, especially considering the cost of going through IUI.  Anything to make the percentages higher that your IUI will result in a pregnancy!  But I have to admit when the doc said I could experience some "cramping" and to take some sort of pain killer ahead of time, I seriously began to wonder what he meant by the term "cramping."

Many, it seems, lifetimes ago I had a LEEP procedure to remove abnormal cervical cells (they turned out to be non-cancerous so yay for that!).  My gyno at the time had used almost identical words regarding experiencing some "cramping" with the procedure.  To this day I have yet to fully forgive her for not being a little more specific by what she meant.  For any of you who have had someone take a slice out of your insides without any anesthesia while up on a table with your legs spread and your most precious parts vulnerable to the world...well let's just say there is a reason why men don't give birth!  Women are known to have a much higher pain threshold than men, and it's a good thing cause the human race would have died out in one generation.  So remembering back on that vague wording from so many years ago, and remembering the pain associated with that vague wording, and adding that together with the instructions that a pain killer ahead of time would be smart, I began to worry and question what exactly was an HSG and what exactly should I really be expecting!      

With all that being said, like any good patient I began to scour the internet for a better explanation and to see what other women's experiences were like.  I know the internet is not always the best source of information, especially when examining medical issues, but I just couldn't help myself.  I'm a well-trained researcher (to a fault thanks to a remarkable education), so mistakenly I put my training to the test!  A good, basic outline of the procedure was easy enough to find.  Plenty of simple, cut and dry (no pun intended), no-nonsense medical knowledge available on the web.  But as always, I went searching for real-world, first-hand knowledge.  Needless to say, sometimes it may just be smarter keeping oneself in the dark!

Stay tuned for the rest of the story tomorrow!
Want more info on an HSG?  http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/hysterosalpingogram-21590

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Taking My First Step Towards Motherhood

Hello readers!  My name is Ashley.  I am a single woman aged 37 who has decided to throw away old-fashioned conventions and embark on the wondrous adventure of motherhood.  After years of tumultuous relationships...some good, some bad, and some very ugly... I've decided that if I want to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a mom, it is time to throw caution to the wind, forget the fairy-tale romantic notion that someday my prince will come, and finally take matters into my own hands.  It has been a long road with many a sleepless night coming to this decision.  I do not take it lightly nor consider in frivolous.  I have done my research, weighed my options, considered all available paths, and still ended at the same place... mommy-hood!

What do I expect of this blog?  I expect (or at least hope) I will be able to share my experiences, from initial decision to the actual birth of my first child with other individuals, especially women, who may be experiencing the same pressures in life as myself.  Not getting any younger, running very low on time, and not willing to settle.  I'm very excited to be embarking on my new future and hope my story will inspire, give hope, and also entertain. In addition, this blog will also be a record for myself of the amazing adventure which I am creating for me, my family and friends, and my future bundle of joy.  As the days role by I will be filling in the details of the last week, as my journey officially (in the medical sense) began last Friday, April 14th, 2012.  I will also create posts reflecting on what brought me to this point in life, for I feel it is important to understand not only where I'm going but also from where I come.  In the end, I hope this all comes to a happy ending...I guess a happy beginning would be more appropriate.  I welcome your audience as I travel along this road.  I hope you enjoy the experience as much as myself.

Although this was a short introduction, it has been a long day of testing to make sure I am ready to start my IUI injections.  For those who are not already familiar with the the term, IUI stands for intrauterine insemination.  I will provide more information as to the process behind IUI as I develop this blog.  Bur for now I am a little tired, a little sore from my HSG (yes, I will explain this too in the next few days), and ready to call it a day. I look forward to sharing this process with all those interested.  Thank you for tuning in!

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