You all are aware, at least I hope you have figured it out by now, that I'm undergoing IUI sometime at the end of this month. My luck it'll be on Memorial Day, since I tend to like to excite the holidays a little bit. My hand injury and meningoencephalitis hospital stay covered Christmas and New Years back in 2008/09, so Memorial Day sounds good for this process. Maybe a Valentine's Day birth? Anyway, my landlord was unaware of this decision until I spoke to her earlier. I had called while at work to let her know I was moving, and when she asked why, I told her I was doing a pregnant thing. I can't remember my exact words, but she assumed I was already "with child." When I arrived home this evening, she was doing some yard work outside my front door. I have a feeling she just wanted to talk to me in person since she vanished after we spoke. Right off the bat she asked me when I was due. I hadn't really been that explanatory of my decision over the phone to her, as it's a little awkward still since many people have varying opinions on my decision. Needless to say, I took this opportunity to divulge more information and move the conversation more to the point. And this is where is got interesting...
At first I wasn't sure how she took the information. I have gathered from my time here that she is a lot more religious than me. I don't go to church and consider myself more of an agnostic pagan than anything else. Don't get me wrong or tune out because of that! I believe to each their own. I don't expect people to agree with my spiritual/mother nature/cosmos beliefs, nor want to be pushed to be "saved" by converting to anyone else's beliefs. I really don't feel that any one system of religion or spirituality, or whatever you want to call it, is better than another. As long as you're a good person and do your damnedest not to hurt anyone, then I'm all good. You could worship a piece of half-charred popcorn for all I care, just don't let it come to another person's harm. Don't hate and don't push and shove...just be respectful that not everyone thinks and feels the way you do....but once again I digress...
So back to my landlord...
I initially wasn't quite sure how she took the news. Her eyes got big and she wished me luck. Inwardly I questioned if she understood or was immediately judging me. This idea in my head of her judging me was completely not something I was going to let slide. So I opened up the conversation to give her a bit more information. I figured if I was willing and openly sharing the experience with anyone on the internet who wanted to read my blog, then I could just as easily explain to her my current choices. We spoke of past relationships, heartbreak, children, and life plans that change and develop along completely unplanned paths as we travel through life. I had no idea she was widowed at 44 with two children to raise on her own. She said it was by no means a perfect marriage and that he had made some pretty awful life choices towards the end. Even so, the loneliness she felt for years after her husband passed was in no way curable...not even by her children and close extended family. She was by no means complaining or discouraging. She was simply opening up about how difficult it can be to find the joy and harmony in life even when your children and other family members are right there in front of you. I feel in my heart of hearts that she was trying to pass to me the wisdom of not expecting my child to cure any of my daily woes...don't expect never to be lonely again; don't expect that everything will work out perfect because forces are at work beyond your control; and definitely don't take any of it for granted--even the tough times--for it may all be gone in a flash before you know it. These are things I try to be aware of daily, but oftentimes forget in the hustle and bustle of life...this happens more often that I care to admit.
I was glad to hear she had recovered from this tumultuous point in her life...it took time, but she was living again and happy. Once the tough times were through, she regained her spirit and place in this crazy world. After relating this story to me, she spoke of her now 20-something daughter and how her daughter had recently said she didn't think she would ever want to get married because she couldn't find a decent man to even date. We both had a chuckle at this! It seems just about every woman I have spoken with recently feels the same way. It seems we have mostly been through hell and back and are beginning to decide that hell is not such a great place to live on a daily basis (I refuse to capitalize hell because I don't believe it to be an actual place, more of a state of mind). It is most definitely disheartening that this is becoming the normal train of thought for women. The divorce rate numbers in this country are about even to if not higher than the number of marriages that last. More and more women are going my route, and the bitterness and negativity regarding relationships seems to be growing at an alarming rate! Why? Have our core moral values changed? Have we forgotten how to love? Is it that as children our adult role models astronomically dropped the ball? Or are we just lackadaisical on the matter?
I don't know the answers, all I have are questions. As a hard-core scientist by nature, I'm thinking there's a really good research paper in there somewhere. What I do know for certain is that I am not alone in my thinking and current life choices. Even the doc's office mentioned how they are seeing more women like myself taking on single motherhood because of failed relationships. Seems infertility at these clinics may be outnumbered by women who are alone and no longer willing to wait or compromise...which to me is way better than "accidentally" having a child because of precautionary failure! And I will admittedly say I'd rather have a child alone than go through a horrible divorce later with a child involved. I would rather be the sole decision maker and take on the extra burden of single parenting than possibly irrevocably damage a child with in-family fighting. Once again, don't take that the wrong way! I know that type of situation is not necessarily a choice and can often blindside someone...so many things are outside our basic control. I am also in no way implying that unbalanced relationships will unequivocally damage the child. I'm not that kind of thinker, just simply trying to make a point. I'm just surprised and disheartened that I'm not more alone...although I guess that may be a good thing?
In the end, I just found my conversation with my landlord very enlightening. I have heard other people's opinions and concerns, most of these being family and close friends. To hear a completely unbiased voice was interesting and a bit refreshing. I find it somewhat sad that single parenting choices are beginning to outweigh other directions, but I also feel somewhat comforted. Either way you'll never be prepared, so I guess either way is just as good a path. All I really know in the end is that I'm extremely excited and totally committed to my decision! I know I'll be a fantastic mom. And although times will not always be perfect, I will strive every day to remind myself to take in every moment and not lose sight of the wondrous life that I have helped create and nurture. Regardless of my past or present, the future is going to be absolutely astounding and remarkable! Daily affirmation...the world is bigger and more powerful than you, so hold on to everything big and small, for that is where you are saved!
Ugh! I hope this is somewhat coherent and logically flows! I mostly write in a fury and sometimes get off topic and jump between completely different trains of thought. I try to re-read at the moment but am tangled up and miss basic grammar and concepts of motion. I will most undoubtedly go back in 2-3 days and rewrite some stuff or clean up what is already there. As they taught me in grad school...writing isn't writing but rewriting! If you see any majorly glaring typos or anything that just doesn't make sense, please feel free to let me know! I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so that kind of stuff drives me batty! Hate to ruin a good flow with bad wordage, hahahahahaha!
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