Thursday, January 30, 2014

My Little Weirdo Part 1, The Breastfeeding Diaries

This is what a satisfied customer looks like!

I know just about every parent on the planet probably thinks their kid is a total weirdo, after all just being miniature people makes them weird enough already, but sometimes I imagine all of us parents have wondered if our little weirdo was more weird than the other little weirdos running a muck out in the world.  I am no different than other parents in this regard.  As Piper gets older and learns new skills, or starts behaving in new ways which are totally novel to me and I'm left scratching my head trying to figure out where she picked up such behaviors, she becomes more and more bizarre, yet in a fantastic way.

Piper just turned 9-months back on the 10th of this month, and while she is super-duper smart and pretty much ahead of the curve on all her milestones, the fact that she's intelligent and capable does nothing to diminish her unabashedly goobery side.  She is definitely a unique little creature, and one of my favorite things about her is her uniqueness, but oftentimes I find myself staring at her and questioning if all those shots of tequila I did in my 20s completely effed up my eggs, hahahaha!  Of course I'm mostly kidding, she is probably no more abnormal than all other 9-month old babies, but geez does she have a personality on her! I wouldn't trade one spec of her personality quirks for anything in the universe, I adore every inch of her, and she keeps us all in stitches with her antics on a daily basis.  Since she is a source of constantly changing entertainment for all those around her, I thought it's probably high time I share her more "interesting" qualities with all my readers.  If you are by chance one of my loyal Facebook followers, some of these antics may be familiar to you as I tend to share them as they occur.  For those of you who are strictly blog browsers or may be completely new here, get ready for some fun!

Let's start with Piper's most long-held weird behavior that she has perfected over time...

Her breastfeeding style!

Don't worry, I have no pics or videos to post regarding this topic, although I wish I did, as she has become, over time, the most "athletic" breastfeeder with skills of a Cirque du Soleil contortionist.  When she was just a wee one, she was pretty typical.  I'd hold her, she would latch and eat.  As time has passed and she has become more in control of her body, she has begun to eat in all manners of positions, depending on her mood, the locale, and I think also sometimes the weather...I'm making that last one up, but who knows why she chooses to eat like she does?  I'll try and be as descriptive as possible here, since I don't have the pics or vids to back all these up, and give each position a title, that should liven things up...here goes...

I seriously recommend this image as a reference to look
back on during the following descriptions!

The Swaying Camel 
(I'm now thinking that giving these descriptive names may begin to sound like sex positions, but oh well, I'm going to run with it!)

This particular position is one of my favs.  It usually occurs during our in-bed sessions late at night, and I must admit that it is quite the interesting of positions.  In this one, she gets up into a camel stance, that is her butt up in the air while standing on her legs and on her head.  When I say head here, I do mean her head. She sometimes sort of uses her arms for balance, but mainly she uses her head, which is odd since she is also using her mouth to eat.  While in this position, she rocks from side to side, or sometimes back and forth, whilst continuing to get her fill.  Sometimes, just for fun, she flops over to her side, taking my nip with her, looks up at me, and giggles with delight cause it's obviously a funny game.  Oftentimes she also gets milk up her nose, as she is standing on her head, and that cracks me up to no end!

I do believe this particular technique is brought on by need for sleep, considering it usually occurs when she is particularly tired, but like I said before, who knows.  It seems the repetitive swaying may help her wind down after a long day, but then again the flopping and giggling seems a ploy to keep herself awake and engage in more playtime.  She's a kook, that is for certain!

The Sideways Tap-Dancing Fish

This technique, as you probably figured out by the name, is not as...what's the word I'm looking for here...showy as the Swaying Camel.  Although it's less flashy, it's still pretty funny and has it's place in her breastfeeding repertoire.  This maneuver is actually a pretty lazy way to grab a snack.  All it requires is me lying down on my back and Piper lying across my stomach.  This position usually follows the Swaying Camel, once her relaxation mode kicks in, although she sometimes still uses this one as a form of play, too. Anyways, with this one she simply must have the opposing nip, the one farthest from her body and the one I'm not trying to offer.  The Swaying Camel begins with me laying on my side and with her snacking on the nip closest to the bed.  From there she likes to push me onto my back, sit straight up, open her mouth wide like a giant bass fish, and lunge at the further nip until she latches.  Then once again, she oftentimes looks up at me with those giant eyes and giggles.  Then she sits up, opens wide, and lunges again.  Once she is done with the silliness of it all, she will then just lay across my chest sideways and get her fill.  This whole time she will be constantly tapping her toes on the covers as she is splayed with her legs towards the opposite side of my body.  She never really sits all that still during any nursing session until she passes out, she must have the rhythm to ultimately relax, so the toe-tapping just comes naturally to her.

The Pick and Pluck

This little number is probably my least favorite breastfeeding maneuver of them all!  Why?  Because it involves Piper trying to pick my nose or jabbing her hand in  my mouth and yanking on my teeth and/or tongue.  I think that I shall not say much else on the matter, as I do have a pic for this one!  Yes, I am actually adding this segment in after the original publication of this post, hahahaha!

Yeah, not a fan of this one!
The Barking Seal

This particular nursing style is not so much a maneuver as a technique she uses to get what she wants at 3am up until the time I get up for work.  In other words, she uses this method all night long when she is restless, which right now is often since she is teething big time.  With this one, she simply remains lying in whatever sleep position she has adopted for the evening.  From there, she squirms and wriggles herself while making this seal-like barking/begging noise until I give her want she wants.  She will not take a pacifier when using this technique, but she will beg and bark until she has me so far on the edge of the mattress my big ole booty is practically falling off the side.  She has no knowledge yet of personal space and "sharing" of space.  She owns all the space, and she knows it!  She also knows I cannot resist her flailing, barking, begging self, so this technique is used often and works 100% of the time.

The Sit-Up and Say Hello

I'll admit this move hasn't yet reached it's full potential, mainly because I have control in this one, but it's still been used a few times nonetheless.  With this one, she simply sits upright in my lap facing me, opens my shirt and literally says "hi" to the boobs, and then latches to whichever one is made available to her.  I say I'm in control of this one because I use it for my own amusement.  I find it hysterical that she will actually try to eat regardless of position, so yeah, I have fun with exploring different methods just for the heck of it.

The Smile and Dribble

No, this one has nothing to do with basketball, hahahaha, but this little maneuver has everything to do with overflowing happiness...pun intended.  When Piper gets what I like to call "milk drunk" she oftentimes expresses this slanty-eyed joy by pulling away from the boob, looking me all goofy-like, and giving me an half-drunken smile while milk dribbles down her chin.  I maybe shouldn't list this as a technique as much as an aftereffect, but it's something she does on a regular basis nonetheless.  She really, really, REALLY enjoys her nursing sessions, so this is a way to show me her utmost appreciation for all things mom-milky.  It does make me feels special that she appreciates me so much, and damn it this move may keep her in the breastfeeding game for longer than I originally intended to play.

The Kickstand

While simplistic in nature, as this move requires her to lay in my arms like a normal feeding session, it updates the typical nursing position by requiring one leg to be kicked up and pressing against the opposing shoulder. I'm not sure what she gains from this position, but to me it seems she uses the counter-pressure as a means to inhale more sustenance from the boob she is working on.  She sometimes mixes it up a bit and changes the exact locale of the pressing foot, but it's generally always up as high as she can get it as compared to the angle at which she is laying.  It's all based on physics, geometry, and a little bit of engineering I'm sure, but I've never been too good with those subjects so I'll leave the exact science to the experts.

The Hippie Drum Circle

This is another of the more simplistic maneuvers, but it has a rhythmical style that is sometimes soothing to us both.  With this technique, Piper gently keeps a beat with one hand on the area just above the opposite boob of which she is eating.  Sometimes it's a slow beat, sometimes she like it a bit faster, but it is always perfectly rhythmical in an coma-inducing way.  It's almost like listening to a faucet drip, but without the annoying drive-you-crazy kind of splatter sound at the end.  It is, like the title suggests, much like a drumbeat.  I wonder sometimes if it effects the flow of the milk or if Piper just finds it simplistically soothing.  Once again, I'll leave the technical questions to the hard-core scientists to figure out.

The Tune-In Tokyo

This little move is probably my favorite and least favorite all rolled up into one...non pun intended!  With this one, Piper like to snack on one nip and yum on the other.  What's yum mean?  This is a term we've used in my family for generations that refers to the rhythmically rubbing of an object in order to help induce sleep. I'm sure a lot of you have heard of it before, but I figured a definition was necessary just in case.  Anyways, this method is a little on the uncomfortable side for me, but it's also one of the most unique techniques I've ever encountered/heard of.  Piper may be the only baby in the world who actually uses it, as I have never met a mother who's mentioned it before.  Basically what it means is that Piper takes the nip she's not nursing on and twists it over and over and over and over.  Sometimes she just lightly plays with it, gently flicking it with her fingers or petting it, but mostly she pinches and twists.  It can hurt like hell at time, but she typically knows my pain threshold based on my winces and whimpers, and tends to back off before I have to physically remove her.  I'm not exactly sure when she picked up this technique, but it works like a charm to get her lulled into sleep, so it's totally allowed regardless of the oddness and comfort quotient.

Obviously from this chart, Piper and I have some skill sets to work on!
Btw, why is that woman holding a spear?

Now on to the rest of this post....

When I first began writing this post is was going to be all about Piper's weird little behaviors.  The original title was My Little Weirdo, with no various parts.  However, after getting into the breastfeeding techniques, I soon realized I should just go ahead and turn all of these nursing styles into their own special entry, and divide the weirdo post into segments, of which I know there will be at least two.  I know I usually include a ton of pics and/or videos with my posts, but unfortunately with this one there just weren't any that would suffice as I do not have the ability to capture all of these techniques on film, at least not in a manner that would be allowable on a blog without me having to put an adult content warning label on it.  You know how some people just can't handle a bare breast without thinking it's porn!  To avoid such a potential fiasco and uproar, I have left this post sans-picture except for the first one and the couple of funny cartoons I found whilst scouring the Internet for breastfeeding examples that might possibly represent my descriptions of styles in some way, shape, or form.  Hopefully my descriptions will be enough to get you all through till my next post, which will include some very hysterical videos of Piper being her uniquely individualistic self.

I'll wrap this segment up with my usual spiel, but just in picture form...you know what to do by now!


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