Long live the King!
Now back to your regularly scheduled blog...
I have recently decided to start looking into what all goes down during labor, as I have been hearing that one should not go into this blindly, and I am absolutely shocked by what I have found!
|Apparently it's not just this anymore!|
I know you must be crazy with curiosity about what I could possibly mean by a birthing menu, right? Well... I've heard my mom's stories about childbirth back in the days when they didn't tell you anything about anything. She has also told me her mom's stories from WAY back in the day when they didn't even tell you to push. But nowadays? Well now there are so many options it is like glaring down a Jack-in-the-Box menu while not knowing exactly what you're hungry for!
|There's even an extension? AHHHHH!!!|
I should be honest and state that "menu" is not the word typically used. The experts call it a "plan," but my non-expert self knows a menu when I see one. I'm a bit of a foodie, so I know all about menus, don't think that the change in a single word will fool me. I'm on to you, experts!
Anyways, for this entry I'm going to share with all you enthusiastic readers exactly what I'm talking about when referring to this birthing menu thingy. I have downloaded four different ones from various websites in order to compile the most complete "menu" available. I will be going over the finer points with you all so you can understand exactly why a new mother such as myself might feel a bit overwhelmed while going through the list of itemized choices. I suggest you get comfy and maybe pour yourself a drink, cause you're going to need it! And who knows, maybe this will help me clear my head. Maybe, by the time we reach the end, I will have made a few decisions about how I would like my delivery to go.
|This is me at this point!|
Once you've decided on just how long you want to tote your tot around and just how many vaginal probes are necessary before someone buys you some flowers and chocolates, then you can finally relax and get down to the important stuff...actually giving birth.
First step, deciding on that whole induction thing. Whether it is scheduled or a necessary procedure, if you have to go there, you have to make some choices. Mainly, how you would like to be induced. The choices are quite varied and I'm shocked at how little I knew (before now) about inducing. I've heard of using Pitocin, that seems pretty standard from all the moms I have spoken with, but there are a world of other more natural means you can try first. You can go simple and just try walking, which seems odd unless you've been on bed rest and haven't tried walking recently. Or you may just want to go with some good ole herbs. Not the smoking kind, so get your head out of the bong already! Still not working? Then hop or waddle right over to your neighborhood chiropractor and have him give it a whirl (I'm assuming they know what they're doing here as it gives no details as to the procedure to be used whilst there). You can also try acupuncture, because needles accurately placed can usually cause some sort of reaction.
|Sometimes you just need to know if they're paying attention!|
If all these wonderful natural remedies fail, you can then try having the doc break your water, strip or rupture your membranes, apply prostagladin gel (say that three times fast), or go with the old standby and dose up on Pitocin. In the end, I think I would just go with the Pitocin and make it easier on everybody involved!
So now you are finally in labor. WHEW! That took some work! Since you'll be in this state for awhile, how would you like to handle the whole labor process? There are lots of choices, so let's get going.
First off, before we even get to the atmospheric side of things, where do you want to pop the little one out? At home, in a birthing room, in a shower, in a tub, in a pool? How about on the top of a tall building, in a cab, at the local pizzeria, on a ferris wheel? It's all up to you, and my oh my how things have changed. Don't worry, some of those choices are not actually on the menu but I'm sure could be accommodated for if absolutely necessary.
|This is the pimpest of the birthing tubs!|
|The pool looks way better than the stool!|
You want the lights dimmed down and soft music playing? You got it. You want for people to only whisper, or even better, not utter a sound the entire time? No problem. You can choose to wear your own clothes instead of one of those hospital-issued ugly gowns, or you can just go bare-ass naked if you like. You can watch TV, a movie or two, wear your iPod, or wear a head cam. You can have pictures taken, or have it all recorded in perpetuity on digitally remastered 3-D film (well maybe not 3-D, but filmed none the less). You can also request that you be allowed to eat and drink as you like, so bring on the lobster and Cristal! Want midgets to entertain you? I'm sure that can be handled, too. How about a bowl full of blue M&Ms with the shells removed? See, you can go all Hollywood if you really think about it and plan ahead!
|Bring on the Lollipop Guild!|
Now you must decide on exactly how much pain you are willing to endure to get your wee one into the world. Sounds like a simple task doesn't it. HA! Not even going with no painkillers is as simple as it seems. Deciding whether you want drugs or not is just the first step.
If you choose to go all natural, then you have some options of other pain management techniques. Let's do this alphabetically just for shits and giggles. Acupressure, acupuncture (and you thought you were getting away from the needles), breathing (always a good idea), color therapy (WTF?), distraction (Look! Dancing midgets!), hypnotherapy (and afterwards every time the baby cries you cluck like a chicken!), massage (now we're talking), meditation (ohmmm), reflexology (there's a new one), visual imaging work (just imagine that your perineum isn't ripping in two and it'll all be okie-dokie), water therapy (supposedly baths and showers are uber helpful, who knew?). Okay, I left one out because I was saving it for last. There is this relatively new method of semi-natural pain relief called Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation or TENS. It goes up there with those electronic ab workout devices for those who are too lazy to do sit-ups.
|Is she about to do this on the living room floor?|
|Real women do it while tackling a bear! |
(aka, the Sarah Palin method?)
|It's so God-awful I had to steal a photo!|
Okay, back to the pleasant thought of your baby almost being here. You're now in the last stages of pushing, do you want to push whenever the hell you feel the urge or do you need to be prompted? If you went for the higher dose on the pain meds, you may want someone playing the red light-green light game with you as you might not feel enough to know when you need to be pushing. Regardless of how and when you do the pushing, eventually the head is going to crown (unless you have to do a C-section). Once again, it's decision time. Do you want to watch it all go down in the mirror? (I'm probably going to go with this but skip the episiotomy watching if that occurs) You can also choose to touch the head as it crowns, yank the little sucker out yourself, or have your partner or other bloody-bath invitee strap on their mitt and catch the baby for themselves. Hopefully the little one will then slide right out and no forceps or vacuums will need to be brought in to help with the extraction!
What about the umbilical cord? You can immediately cut it yourself or once again have a special someone do it and/or you can leave it in tact until it stops pulsating and then snip it.
|Or snip it during the free fall?|
At last the birthing process is complete and now you can relax and enjoy your little one. Oh geez, more questions? Seriously? Do you want to give the baby her first bath or let the nurses to handle it? Do you want her in the room with you at all times or in the nursery? Can she have a pacifier? Can she have a bottle? If she does not take to the breast right away would you prefer no bottle but instead try finger feeding? What the hell is finger feeding? Immunizations or no immunizations? Vitamin K or no Vitamin K? PKU testing or not? How long would you like to stay in the hospital? Do you want guests to visit? How many at a time? Is there anyone in particular who deems calling security if they show up? Would you like to fill out another questionnaire or two? Would you like to donate your first born to the hungry dingos in Australia?
And to finally wrap it all up....
Would you like some Percoset or other pain medication after delivery? YES!!!! And make it a double!!!
|Better not make me ask this afterwards!|
My wants are quite simple...
I want to be in a private birthing suite where I'm allowed to have visitors. I want my mom present for all of it as she is my acting surrogate fahter. I want to hold off on drugs as long as I can and then move to a walking epidural. If that doesn't cut it and I freak out, then give me the standard one. Soft lighting would be nice and so would the ability to walk around as needed. I want lots of laughter because laughter is the best drug of all. I can handle anything as long as my sense of humor is maintained. As for the actual birth, I want to watch. I want an episiotomy with pain killers if necessary. And number one on my list, I DO NOT WANT A C-SECTION! No matter how long it takes, I want to have a vaginal birth. Unless it is an absolute, the baby or I are in dire straits situation, the option of a C-section is not on the table. I think too often doctors jump right into this option if the birth is taking too long for some reason. I don't care if it takes me two days, I want to have a regular birth. I want to breastfeed my baby as soon as she is born, we can clean her up later. I want her in the room with me at all times, preferably with as much contact as humanly possible. I want us to bond from the second she takes her first breath, anything less is not an option.
|I want this immediately!|
I don't know about the rest of you, but just reading about this whole birthing process is exhausting. The sad thing is, I didn't even go over every little thing on the menus. In all honesty, I left off quite a bit. It would have taken me days to discuss every point! Speaking of days, I think it's about time for me to call it one. Before I go, two quick thing...
1) Don't forget to follow Piper and I on Facebook
2) Vote for me on Top Baby Blogs if you get the notion!
And last but not least.....
|You want fries with that?|