Piper's birth story actually began in my post titled Where Is the Baby? So if you haven't read it already, I highly suggest going back and giving it a whirl as it will catch you up to the tale I'm about to spin. As you will learn from that post, her birth story technically began on April 8, 2013, two days prior to her due date. This is the day I had first gone to labor and delivery with excruciating contractions only to be sent home still in pain but with a Percocet in hand. My doc told me after Piper's actual delivery, that she had expected me back at the hospital Monday night to finish what I'd started that day. Instead, I was sent home and everything kind of stopped. Then it all picked back up again around midnight on April 10, 2013, Piper's actual due date. What you will notice from that previously mentioned post is that it was actually written as I was going into full-blown labor. I really had no idea at the time that things would progress beyond the once again painful contractions, but things did. So beginning where I left off that morning, with contractions at a steady 7 minutes apart, this is what happened...
Just arrived!
Getting her vitals checked!
Everything began to really take shape at midnight. I now think it is quite amusing that Piper waited to the exact start of her due date to kick things into gear, especially since only 5% of babies are actually born on their due date. At midnight, while I worked on the blog, my contractions were to the point of making me have to stop and breathe through each one. The funny thing about my contractions is that I really didn't have any mild to moderate ones. Sure they may have come less frequently over the three days I experienced them, but they were always very strong to downright unbearable. These 7-minute apart ones that were occurring regularly by midnight, well I just expected them to eventually die down as they had on Monday. But as the minutes ticked by, and a I timed them on my iPhone app, yes there is an app for that, I noticed the contractions were beginning to come closer together, lasting a good minute each, and the strength of them was increasing, although they were awful to begin with.
Getting cleaned up.
Around 2:30am I decided I would take a hot bath. At first I thought it would make me feel a bit better, but I thought that if this was going to be the day, then I should probably go in with a sparkling hoo-hoo. Boy am I glad I decided on that bath! It really made me feel relaxed, however I could have sworn my contractions stopped during the process. But as soon as I got out of the tub, BAM!
Getting her first bath.
Now let me see if I can describe said contractions in a way to offer up the best visual. To begin with, each one literally doubled me over and at the same time made me stretch completely out into planking position. How is this possible? I wish I knew, but I swear the body can contort into such a crumpled up, yet flattened out position all at once. With the pain came the breathing techniques I studied over the years watching TV. Who needs birthing classes when you have cable, right? Anyway, breathing was definitely my friend and enemy during each contraction. I so wanted to just hold my breath until I stopped breathing, but I also wanted to expel all my air as quickly as possible. A happy medium works best, of course. I also oftentimes used the yelping method of pain reduction. While this method doesn't really do much, it sure felt good to vocally express my discomfort. Eventually the contractions forced me into several other positions: head in a pillow and ass up in the air (once probably a sexy position meant for play time, but not so sexy at this moment in time), flung over my exercise ball while death gripping the nearest piece of furniture, slumped over on the stairs, hanging off the side of the bed whilst gripping the headboard, etc, etc. I also tended to twitch my toes, tap my fingers, and rise up and down on the balls of my feet. I tried just about everything to get through each one, and yet I was still not convinced this was actually IT!
Piper's first shampoo.
By 4am my contractions were coming about 5 to 6 minutes apart. They hadn't strengthened any more, but they were already pretty much at their maximum. By 5am I decided to wake up my parents so they could get ready for the hospital. Yes, it took me that long to decide that maybe I should get things in order. I told my mom to go ahead and take a bath and I began to pack last minute essentials into my hospital bag. By 6am I was begging for my parents to get their asses into the truck because shit was getting out of hand very quickly. My contractions were between 4-5 minutes apart, still excruciating, and still no less than a minute long.
Right after her eye drops.
By 6:30am we had arrived at Baptist Medical Center. I once again walked the corridors I had been through just days before whilst hoping this time they wouldn't send me back home. As I signed in at the nurses station, another horrible contraction hit me. I was gripping my favorite pillow and trying not to be a wuss in front of everyone, but I couldn't help myself from clenching up and doubling over. After they weighed me, they took me to the triage room to monitor me for a bit before deciding whether I was worthy for a birthing suite or a stamp on my parking ticket and a shove out the door. Here I was hooked up to a baby monitor and a contraction monitor. It was obvious my contractions were coming on hard and fast. They eventually checked my cervix, and low and behold I was dilated 3cm and my contractions were about 4 minutes apart. Yep they said, you're having a baby today! And with that they took me to my birthing suite.
First view after eye drops
I was thrilled at this point to know I dilated on my own and that I wasn't going to have to take Cytotek to get things going. That little bit of news gave me great confidence that a vaginal birth was in my future. While I was correct in this thinking, there were a couple of moments where an C-section came into discussion...more on that here in a bit.
Her first try at nursing, latched immediately!
After a couple of hours of being at the hospital, they decided to break my water to speed things up. Before doing so, they decided I should go ahead and have my epidural since they expected I would rapidly rush towards the finish line. Since I was having such strong and painful contractions at 3 cm, they decided to give me a painkiller that could take the edge off until the anesthesiologist got there to place the epidural. The drug of choice was Stadol through my IV. Now this medication might work for some, but for me it was a nightmare. It made me feel absolutely horrible. My eyes sort of rolled around in my head, I couldn't really comprehend what was going on around me, I felt disconnected from the world, and I literally kept thinking that if I didn't concentrate on my breathing I would actually stop doing so, swallow my tongue, and die. It was a very scary sensation that I was desperate to get rid of. After explaining how I was feeling to the nurses, they put in my charts that I was allergic to Stadol so it would never be administered to me again. Unfortunately that was all they could do, the rest I just had to ride out.
The first time I held her, and first pic with Nana!
Not too long after the Stadol, the anesthesiologist came with my epidural. I have had a spinal tap before, so the epidural was nothing. I was relieved when it was finally in and I began to feel some relief. Some might think less of me because I decided not to go au natural, but after watching the monitor over the next several hours, I am so glad I went with the drugs. My contractions were off the charts and very close together for most of my labor. Considering I didn't actually give birth till almost 7pm, I'm very grateful for not having to feel all of the pain as 19 hours is a bit long to be writhing in agony, right?
Her first shirt!
Eventually the Stodal wore off, the epidural took over, and peace fell over the birthing suite. The doc came in and broke my water and then we waited to see what occurred. Soon I dilated to 4cm, but I wasn't progressing as fast as they'd expected. Around 1pm they decided to go ahead and give me some Pitocin to help me dilate some more. They began me on a very low dose and I quickly dilated to 6cm. Here is where things stalled out. As a matter of fact, I was at 6cm for so long my doc was thinking a C-section may be in order, and that scared me.
Her first cuddle with my brother Christian.
You see, although labor was going smoothly yet slowly, every time I had a contractions poor Piper's heart rate dropped. This had them all worried and she was very closely monitored. I was constantly being rolled over from side to side or made to sit up. Each new position was meant to help decrease the effect of the contractions on her heart. They were also afraid to up my Pitocin dosage due to this same factor. However, somewhere between 4 and 5pm, they decided to go ahead and try the higher dosage. My doc informed me that after an hour, had I not dilated anymore, then we would be prepping for a C-section because it most likely meant I wouldn't dilate any further.
Her first hospital swaddle.
So up went the Pitocin, and luckily for me, my cervix expanded to 8cm within the hour! Yay, no C-section!!! Oh but wait, what's going on here? At this point, all of a sudden, I was suddenly surrounded by my doc, 4 or 5 nurses, the anesthesiologist, an oxygen mask placed on my face, and my mom handed all the gear necessary for a visit to the OR. Just a short period before this my epidural had started wearing off and the hand pump just wasn't seeming to work. The on-call anesthesiologist came in and gave me some direct injections into my epidural (I'm not sure how exactly all that works, I just know it was through a tube in my back). The second one completely over-numbed me to the point it gave me a bit of claustrophobia. I do not like not being able to feel my legs at all and having to have other people literally pick them up and move them for me. Very scary feeling. Anyway, they think what occurred might have been a reaction to the epidural in such strong amounts, but who knows? Regardless of what caused it, my blood pressure bottomed out, Piper's heart rate did the same, and everyone kicked in gear to perform an emergency C-section. I was not informed what was going on until they had us both stabilized, but it was definitely a scare. All I could think about was Piper. I was so afraid something bad was happening with her. I had to concentrate very hard on not panicking. I knew if I panicked then whatever was going on was just going to get worse. Luckily for us both, the moment passed. I was then re-checked, my cervix was fully dilated, and I was prepped for pushing!
Her first skin-on-skin session.
By 6pm everything was a go for the final stretch of delivery. My legs had also gained some feeling back, and I was so happy I was actually going to be able to move them and help with the delivery. When I was completely numb I was worried I wouldn't be able to push, but everything wore off just in time.
Her first bird!
I'll admit this now, and some women will hate me for it, but I really thought the whole pushing part of labor was just down-right easy. As a matter of fact, I found all of labor to be quite easy. I'm sure had I gone natural I wouldn't say the same thing, but with the epidural and no pain, all went relatively smoothly. But the pushing, it was the easiest part. My mom grabbed my one leg and a nurse had the other. I was instructed to grab my legs behind my knees, lift my back and shoulders off the table and curl forward, and hold my breath as I pushed for 10 seconds. I was to do this 3 times during every strong contraction. And so I did, with the exception of two contractions, in which I was able to throw in a 4th 10-second round of pushing. By the time 6 rounds passed, 20 pushes total, and only 30 minutes ticked by, Piper was born at 6:57pm.
Her first tutu and her first day home!
It was amazing watching her be born in the mirror they had set up for me. Watching her head crown and then her whole body slip into the world...it was simply amazing. She came into this world with eyes wide open. I did unfortunately have to have the help of an episiotomy to get her here. And despite it, I also tore almost through to my butthole. But she got here without the need of forceps or vacuums, which I was very happy about.
Her first kitty encounter!
When she was finally delivered, I wasn't able to have her placed immediately on my chest for breast feeding like I wanted, since she had an extremely short umbilical cord, one that made my doc say she was a very lucky little girl. What she meant by this is quite unnerving. Due to her heart rate dropping with each contraction, my doc thought she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. However, all of that was cause by her short umbilical cord. I read up on such anomalies and found that a shortened umbilical cord increases the chance of having a still-born by 6 times. Had they known of her special cord, she would have been a C-section and such a risk as a vaginal birth would have never even been an option. In other words, she's a little miracle in more ways than one. I'm very blessed to have such a perfect little girl in my life as so many things could have gone wrong if they'd made a turn for the worse instead of the better. The universe smiled on Piper and I that day, and I will never forget how lucky we are to be happy and healthy and together at last.
Her first cuddle with her cousin Larkin!
In the end, after they whisked her away for a few seconds to check her vitals, she was placed upon my chest. We instantly fell in love with one another, and she took to nursing like she'd been doing it for a lifetime...I guess she had been doing it for a lifetime as she had just been born. She weighed in at 7lbs 13oz, measured 21 inches, and was and is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on.
Her first cuddle with her cousin Haven!
So that is Piper's birth story in a nutshell. She was a long time in coming, but she is finally here and I have been on cloud 9 ever since. I finally feel whole as she completes me. I'll never want for anything again, as she is all that I've ever wanted.
Her first visit with her great grandmother, aka Momo!
And as I wrap up this entry, I reflect upon my birthing experience. What I find most surprising is how surreal it all feels. While it only happened a little over a week ago, it still feels as though it were all a dream. I hope you all enjoyed the series of "firsts" I shared through the many pictures I have taken of her short time here with us. While these are only a few of the bazillion snapped, they are some of my favs. I cannot wait to add all her other firsts in the days, months, years to come. I'll wrap up with some final pics of her past week and two days of her life. Enjoy! Oh, and when you get to the last picture, keep going and shoot a vote my way on Top Baby Blogs by clicking the button with the owl on it! I have made it to #52 as of this post, so getting closer still to that coveted top 50 I'm striving for! Also, I post daily pictures and updates via Facebook. Please feel free to join Piper and I on my Single Modern Mom page. You can also find me on Twitter @SingleModernMom. Okay, It's picture time!!!
Her first multi-generational encounter with Nana and Momo!
Yes, I think nursing is amazing and beautiful!
Best cuddler ever!
Adorable!
True love!
Sweetest face ever!
SQUEEE!!!
Even her toes are cute!
When she sleeps, she zonks completely out!
So peaceful!
I think aqua is her best color!
...and a close-up!
Most adorable lips ever!
Playing Chubba with my dad, aka Papa
UPDATE (4/24/13): Over the past couple of days I have come to realize a couple things I left out of my original telling of this tale. Two very important things, actually, at least in the sense I think they're important in understanding maybe why I chose to go with an epidural and why they administered one so early in my labor progression. I'll start with the incident that came first.
I've previously mentioned how excruciating my contractions were right from the get-go. For three days I had horribly painful contractions off and on before heading to the hospital that final morning. To give you an idea of how bad they were, on the morning of Piper's birth, right before I left for the hospital, the contractions were so bad they actually made me hurl! Yep, I puked from pain, something I had never done before in my life. And something I really thought was more of a myth than something that could actually happen in real life. Hell, I had been in some very painful situations before and nausea neve reared it's ugly head. Labor proved me wrong and showed me that it wasn't just in the movies that pain could push you to puke.
Believe me, it was no fun to lose all my dinner from the night before while trying not to have contractions at the same time. At least I hurled between contractions, thank goodness for small favors. Once at the hospital they gave me a "cookie jar", as I like to call it, since I remained nauseous. Once they finally had me hooked up with an IV, they then pumped some anti-nausea medicine in me. While it helped, it wasn't until after the Stadol wore off. The effects of that horrible drug outweighed my anti-nausea meds and kept me on the brink of puking for quite a bit longer than I liked. Towards the end of labor they had to re-up my nausea meds, but at least they worked quickly at that point. I swear there is nothing worse than nauseous while also being in pain, especially labor pain. With each contraction came the urge to purge, definitely not a fun combo.
Besides the puking and subsequent nausea issues, I also had a bout with back labor. For any of you other women out there who have also experience back labor, I know you know what I'm talking about when I say that shit makes you feel like you are literally being ripped in half! I initially made a statement that I wish my contractions weren't all centrally located right above my pelvic bone. I thought if the pain moved to a different locale I'd be able to handle it better. Well, be careful what you ask for! Right after making this statement, I got my wish. There are really no words that can describe back labor. All I can say is that once the contraction started, and I felt it growing in strength within the confines of my lower back, I knew I never wanted to feel pain like that again. It was literally the most horrifically mind-numbing, I'd-sell-my-soul-to-the-devil-to-make-it-stop kind of pain that is just plain cruel to have to experience. What kind of sick jokester is mother nature for making women suffer that way?
Anyway, once I had the back contraction that almost drove me to tears, I was then absolutely terrified every time I felt another contraction coming on. They say contractions are less painful if you do not fear them and try to relax through them as much as possible. Well how the hell are you supposed to do that after back contractions? I grew fearful every time I felt another one build, and then I tensed when it started, and by that time I was already screwed! Luckily my contractions did not move entirely to my back, as I know this happens sometimes and I truly have mad respect for women who have back labor and still refuse an epidural. If ever there was a deciding factor that I couldn't hack non-medicated childbirth it was the back labor...screw that!
Okay, I feel much better now that I have updated this story with those two additions. Between puking and back labor, on top of three days worth of ridiculous contractions, there was no way they could refuse me my epidural, right? I really think my doc and the nurses all felt sorry for me and that is why I got the epidural at only 3cm dilation. Whatever the reason, it was much appreciated and made labor enjoyable rather than a nightmare. I will say it again, I do not regret the decision as it was the right one for me. Go drugs!
I figured I'd take a few minutes this evening to update everyone on my progress as far as baby birthing goes. Tomorrow is officially my due date, unless you go by the IUI, then it would have been yesterday. Either way, still no baby as of yet. That's not to say I haven't been giving it my best effort. As a matter of fact, I've been giving it too much effort....let me explain. I'll begin with my prenatal visit this past Friday...
As per usual these last few prenatal visits, my doc checked my innards to see if my hoo-hoo was showing any signs of releasing it's captive miniature prisoner. Unfortunately, my hoo-hoo seems to have a vice grip on itself and just won't seem to loosen up...maybe I should buy it a couple of drinks? Anyway, as per the doc, as of Friday I was still not effacing or dilating whatsoever. My cervix had softened a bit, but that was it. So, not any great news on that front.
Since my va-jay-jay is acting more like a steel bear trap than a baby producer, my doc went over some things for me to think about should things not progress as needed. First off, she wants to see me tomorrow on my official due date to take a look to see if anything has changed. If nothing has at that point, I have a few options. My doc doesn't like to allow any of her patients to go a week past their due dates. If at that time I have yet to labor on my own, I could opt for induction. However, if I am still showing no signs of effacement, this isn't so simple as injecting me with Pitocin. First off, they would have to give me Cytotek to help me efface. This drug has a high rate of leading to a C-section, so that isn't good. If it works well, then I could efface, be given the Pitocin if no dilation occurs, then go to the birthing phase. If it doesn't work as planned, then it's C-section time, which is something I definitely do not want. I should interject here that Piper is guesstimated to be between 8.5-9lbs already. So even if I do get to the pushing stage, there is a slight possibility that she may not fit through my birth canal and a C-section may be necessary anyway. However, I want to get to the at least trying to push her out phase, as I want the whole birthing experience. In the end, whatever is best for her is the direction I will take when it comes down to it.
I was a little shocked hearing that my body has yet to kick into birthing gear. I never expected after 9 perfect pregnancy months that things would get complicated right at the the end, but oh well. After my appointment I was a little discouraged, but things seemed to get better over the weekend. Sunday morning I woke up and lost what I thought was all of my mucus plug, woohoo! Losing the plug is a damn good sign that labor is imminent. I also figured it was a sign that something was starting to happen down in my nether regions. All day I was feeling giddy with anticipation. Early Monday morning, around 2am, I began having some mild contractions. They started off about 10-12 minutes apart and were around 45 seconds long. By 4am they had progressed to around 7 minutes apart, had become quite a bit stronger, and were lasting up to a minute. After hours of this pattern, I became very hopeful that Piper was finally on her way. I called my doctor's office a little after 8am and they told me that since it was my first baby, they wanted me to head to labor and delivery to be on the safe side. I was so excited! I knew it was a bit early, as I have read that normally one would wait until having contractions happening 4-5 minutes apart, but I followed the doc's orders and headed that way.
Before getting into the car, I wanted to take a quick walk up the street as this is supposed to help move labor along. As my mom and I strolled along, this increased my contractions to 3-4 minutes apart. I took this as a good sign and went back and got in the car. Of course, wouldn't you know, as we got closer to the hospital (which is about a 30 minute drive) my contractions started occurring less and less. By the time we got there, I was barely feeling anything. Regardless, we got checked in and they put me in a small room to monitor me before officially admitting me to a birthing suite. Needless to say, it took me awhile to start contracting again, they were a lot further apart, and quite a bit weaker. After 30 minutes to an hour the nurse checked my cervix. Guess what? Not a damn change since my Friday appointment!!! No effacement, no dilation. GRRRRR!!! They were about to send me home but called my doc and she wanted me to walk around for an hour and get re-examined. And so my mom and I began our walking tour of the labor and delivery floor.
As we walked, my contractions began to strengthen again. At first they were mild, but were coming more regularly. Soon they were coming quite often and were practically bringing me to my knees. I was in pain, but I was happy that something was happening again. After our walk was over I went back for my inspection. They hooked me back up to the equipment and waited for my contractions. Although I was having excruciatingly painful ones, they began to grow further apart again. The nurse said they were at 8 minutes, but I swear they were closer together than that. Regardless, after checking my cervix again and discovering absolutely no changes, it was decided I was in early labor, but no where near the point of needing to be admitted. Basically I was in a lot of unproductive pain and was probably going to be one of those women who have painful early labor for days on end. So they gave me a Percocet and sent me home.
After the drugs kicked in, my contractions just seemed to dissipate. By the time the early evening rolled around, I wasn't feeling anything, not even my usual pelvic pressure that had been going on for a few weeks. The Percocet worked almost too well!
Last night I finally fell asleep around midnight, and was relieved as I had not slept a wink the night before. During the night I was awoken several times by very strong contractions. I'd get up to pee, time a couple of them, and they were always about 15 minutes apart. When I got up this morning, I was still having them. I also lost another chunk of very bloody mucus plug, which I'm hoping is a good sign. Throughout the day my contractions have continued off an on, from very mild to breath taking. Tonight, as I write this (well I see it is now tomorrow morning), they are still coming along. They are a bit irregular both in strength and length, but they are a constant that has not let up all day. Although the past few have been once again 7 minutes apart, about a minute in length, and what I would consider to be about a 4 or 5 on a scale of 10 for pain level. I tend to have more contractions at night, so I'm probably up for another sleepless one around here.
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment at 1pm. I am hoping some changes have occurred after all I have been through the past couple of days. If not, I guess it is back to the waiting game. Hopefully I will go into honest to goodness labor very soon, at least within the week, as I do not want to have to induce or anything of that nature. I want my body to do everything naturally. I will have to wait and see how things progress and what the doc has to say, but I'm crossing my fingers that tomorrow is all good news.
Well, all of that should have caught everyone up to this very second. I am sorry for the lack of pictures in this post, but I'm not really feeling up to putting in the extra effort right now. Don't worry, there will be plenty to come in the hopefully near future, you'll just have to forgive me on this one entry.
UPDATE: It's now almost 3am and I'm having very strong contractions still 7-8 minutes apart. It's like Monday all over again!!!
And here comes the broken record once again...
Would love to have your vote and support over on Top Baby Blogs! Was up to #55 as of this post and still trying to break into that top 50 blogs territory. Click the button below to vote!
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By the time you finish reading all this, you'll understand why I've chosen the musical number this go-round as Elvis Presley's rendition of "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. I was going to go with old Blue Eyes himself, but it's Elvis's birthday, so he'll get the honor this time.
Long live the King!
Now back to your regularly scheduled blog...
I have recently decided to start looking into what all goes down during labor, as I have been hearing that one should not go into this blindly, and I am absolutely shocked by what I have found!
Apparently it's not just this anymore!
I have never worked in a fast food restaurant, but I've been to quite a few, and after looking at the eight-page birthing menu I recently got a hold of, I think I now know where the fast-food gurus got their ideas on how to torture hungry people!
I know you must be crazy with curiosity about what I could possibly mean by a birthing menu, right? Well... I've heard my mom's stories about childbirth back in the days when they didn't tell you anything about anything. She has also told me her mom's stories from WAY back in the day when they didn't even tell you to push. But nowadays? Well now there are so many options it is like glaring down a Jack-in-the-Box menu while not knowing exactly what you're hungry for!
There's even an extension? AHHHHH!!!
I mean seriously, who needs all those choices? It's overwhelming! And yes, this birthing menu is quite similar to the menu pictured above, I kid you not! Minus all the pictures, thank goodness!
I should be honest and state that "menu" is not the word typically used. The experts call it a "plan," but my non-expert self knows a menu when I see one. I'm a bit of a foodie, so I know all about menus, don't think that the change in a single word will fool me. I'm on to you, experts!
Anyways, for this entry I'm going to share with all you enthusiastic readers exactly what I'm talking about when referring to this birthing menu thingy. I have downloaded four different ones from various websites in order to compile the most complete "menu" available. I will be going over the finer points with you all so you can understand exactly why a new mother such as myself might feel a bit overwhelmed while going through the list of itemized choices. I suggest you get comfy and maybe pour yourself a drink, cause you're going to need it! And who knows, maybe this will help me clear my head. Maybe, by the time we reach the end, I will have made a few decisions about how I would like my delivery to go.
This is me at this point!
First off, let's start with all the crap you need to think about before you even get to the labor stage. See, it starts before you're even ready. Only two of the four birth plans I downloaded address pre-labor concerns. Basically, they want you to decide when and if you want to go into labor. Huh? Good question. Apparently you can decide to go varying routes from inducing early to waiting up to 14 days past your due date before inducing if labor hasn't occurred naturally by then. You can even request to have "no time restraints" on your pregnancy. Sure, what's another month right? Let's go ahead and see if you can go for a world record or something. My mom was induced with me after I was stubbornly 11 days late, but the doctor didn't ask her permission, he simply said it was time to get me out of my cozy nook and into the world. It was probably a good decision on his part because I'm already bad enough with the procrastination thing. Any longer and I might have been a completely useless human being from the get-go.
Maybe
Along with all this inducing talk, one of the menus discusses vaginal exams. Apparently you can tell your doc to stay the hell away from your hoo-hoo until your damn good and ready to be felt up...like after labor has kicked in. Now I may be confused, but the way it reads is that you can opt out of all prenatal vaginal probes and decide just to have one once labor begins, and then only when you say it's okay. I've gotten so used to the gynos sticking their fingers in there whenever they feel it is necessary that I never stopped to consider that I could say no. I thought that was the whole point of going to see the doc in the first place. But what do I know, this is my first time with all this baby making stuff.
Once you've decided on just how long you want to tote your tot around and just how many vaginal probes are necessary before someone buys you some flowers and chocolates, then you can finally relax and get down to the important stuff...actually giving birth.
First step, deciding on that whole induction thing. Whether it is scheduled or a necessary procedure, if you have to go there, you have to make some choices. Mainly, how you would like to be induced. The choices are quite varied and I'm shocked at how little I knew (before now) about inducing. I've heard of using Pitocin, that seems pretty standard from all the moms I have spoken with, but there are a world of other more natural means you can try first. You can go simple and just try walking, which seems odd unless you've been on bed rest and haven't tried walking recently. Or you may just want to go with some good ole herbs. Not the smoking kind, so get your head out of the bong already! Still not working? Then hop or waddle right over to your neighborhood chiropractor and have him give it a whirl (I'm assuming they know what they're doing here as it gives no details as to the procedure to be used whilst there). You can also try acupuncture, because needles accurately placed can usually cause some sort of reaction.
Sometimes you just need to know if they're paying attention!
None of these sound appetizing? Then maybe you're the kind of girl who needs other types of "stimulation." Into a little back door fun? How about an enema? I mean why not, you may want one anyway so you don't poop on the table during labor! No? Too much? Well then, how about good old fashioned intercourse while playing Tune in Tokyo?
Get it?
Yes ladies, sex and breast stimulation (mainly nipple action) can be just what you need! But be careful, wouldn't want to get that enema mixed up in there. Make sure you make it clear on your birth menu exactly which of these is kosher before arriving to the hospital, and that if you want both they are not to occur at the same time! I wonder what the doctors would say if I requested the intercourse option, me being single and all...hmmmm, might be worth a good chuckle to find out.
If all these wonderful natural remedies fail, you can then try having the doc break your water, strip or rupture your membranes, apply prostagladin gel (say that three times fast), or go with the old standby and dose up on Pitocin. In the end, I think I would just go with the Pitocin and make it easier on everybody involved!
So now you are finally in labor. WHEW! That took some work! Since you'll be in this state for awhile, how would you like to handle the whole labor process? There are lots of choices, so let's get going.
First off, before we even get to the atmospheric side of things, where do you want to pop the little one out? At home, in a birthing room, in a shower, in a tub, in a pool? How about on the top of a tall building, in a cab, at the local pizzeria, on a ferris wheel? It's all up to you, and my oh my how things have changed. Don't worry, some of those choices are not actually on the menu but I'm sure could be accommodated for if absolutely necessary.
This is the pimpest of the birthing tubs!
Now that you have the location, you'll need equipment. Balls, beds, bean bag chairs, pools, stools, bars (yes, that one sounds good. I'll have a martini!), cars, whips, chains, handcuffs, shake weight...wait, I'm off track again. Needless to say, laying down on a bed in the standard hospital room is so passe. It's the new millennium and creativity is key.
The pool looks way better than the stool!
Okay, so you've got the location and the tools needed, now on to the environmental aspect of the birth. This is where the choices really start to shine. I believe the old choices were in a shared room with another screaming soon-to-be mom and possibly strapped down to the bed. There were bright lights and people running around willy-nilly, yanking you around without much thought to whether or not you were comfortable or had a clue as to what standard birthing procedure even was at the time. Once again, things have changed. Giving birth may be the only time you can actually act like a stuck-up celebrity when it comes to your choices in the environmental factors department.
You want the lights dimmed down and soft music playing? You got it. You want for people to only whisper, or even better, not utter a sound the entire time? No problem. You can choose to wear your own clothes instead of one of those hospital-issued ugly gowns, or you can just go bare-ass naked if you like. You can watch TV, a movie or two, wear your iPod, or wear a head cam. You can have pictures taken, or have it all recorded in perpetuity on digitally remastered 3-D film (well maybe not 3-D, but filmed none the less). You can also request that you be allowed to eat and drink as you like, so bring on the lobster and Cristal! Want midgets to entertain you? I'm sure that can be handled, too. How about a bowl full of blue M&Ms with the shells removed? See, you can go all Hollywood if you really think about it and plan ahead!
Bring on the Lollipop Guild!
So here you are...your nipples have been stimulated, your beaver shaved (yes, they can do that too!), you're in a dimly lit birthing suite with dancing midgets, a bowl full of shell-removed M&Ms, squatting naked over your birthing stool listening to Vivaldi, wearing a head-cam, and eating bacon wrapped lobster while sipping on Cristal...now what?
Now you must decide on exactly how much pain you are willing to endure to get your wee one into the world. Sounds like a simple task doesn't it. HA! Not even going with no painkillers is as simple as it seems. Deciding whether you want drugs or not is just the first step.
If you choose to go all natural, then you have some options of other pain management techniques. Let's do this alphabetically just for shits and giggles. Acupressure, acupuncture (and you thought you were getting away from the needles), breathing (always a good idea), color therapy (WTF?), distraction (Look! Dancing midgets!), hypnotherapy (and afterwards every time the baby cries you cluck like a chicken!), massage (now we're talking), meditation (ohmmm), reflexology (there's a new one), visual imaging work (just imagine that your perineum isn't ripping in two and it'll all be okie-dokie), water therapy (supposedly baths and showers are uber helpful, who knew?). Okay, I left one out because I was saving it for last. There is this relatively new method of semi-natural pain relief called Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation or TENS. It goes up there with those electronic ab workout devices for those who are too lazy to do sit-ups.
Is she about to do this on the living room floor?
If you say screw having all that pain and give me the drugs, then you have another list of methods available to you. You can go with the standard epidural or the new and improved, I-just-want-to-feel-a-little-pain walking epidural (I'm really considering this one as I'm scared to go natural but still want to experience the birth as much as possible). If you're more into just having a big ole shitty grin on your face the whole time, maybe you should try narcotics. Oh yes, they can hook you right up to an IV full of the best dope labor can buy. It may get your baby high, but at least you're not screaming like a banshee and trying to yank the nut sack off the closest male specimen in the room! Also listed on the menu are tranquilizers. I'm not sure exactly what kind, but it's listed separate from narcotics...wonder if you can get both?
Too soon?
Now that you're all relaxed (or doped the hell up) and ready to push your little one into the world, exactly what position would you like to be in to make the experience more enjoyable for yourself? You could just lie there if you like, but come on, live a little! How about doing this standing up? You may need a net for when the little one slips free, but it could be interesting. Or you could squat, this a tried and true position used for countless generations of women forced to give birth out in the wild. You can lie on your side, get on your hands and knees (no barking here no matter how high you are!), lean on a friend or partner, have people hold your legs in the air, do it with stirrups, or once again go for those stools, tubs, showers, bars (martini please!), chairs, etc. I think hanging upside down on one of those inversion tables might be fun and really give the docs a run for their money.
Real women do it while tackling a bear! (aka, the Sarah Palin method?)
Look at you go girl, you are finally in the home stretch, literally! Oh but wait, there's a slight complication. Apparently your asshole is really in the way. We're going to need to take care of that by way of conjoining it with your vagina...yep, it's episiotomy time! If you are squeamish, then you may want to look away for a second...
It's so God-awful I had to steal a photo!
Okay, that's the tamest photo I could find. I could post an actual photo of the procedure, but it might make some people ill. And believe it or not, you can choose to have this procedure done with absolutely no pain medication whatsoever! But don't rely on your dancing midgets to get you through it, because they all just ran screaming and retching from the room. Of course, you can choose not to have the episiotomy and just settle for tearing everything naturally. But all that isn't the worst. If you actually have to go from here to an emergency C-section, you can opt to have that sans pain medication, too. Yeah, some women must be completely off their rockers!
Okay, back to the pleasant thought of your baby almost being here. You're now in the last stages of pushing, do you want to push whenever the hell you feel the urge or do you need to be prompted? If you went for the higher dose on the pain meds, you may want someone playing the red light-green light game with you as you might not feel enough to know when you need to be pushing. Regardless of how and when you do the pushing, eventually the head is going to crown (unless you have to do a C-section). Once again, it's decision time. Do you want to watch it all go down in the mirror? (I'm probably going to go with this but skip the episiotomy watching if that occurs) You can also choose to touch the head as it crowns, yank the little sucker out yourself, or have your partner or other bloody-bath invitee strap on their mitt and catch the baby for themselves. Hopefully the little one will then slide right out and no forceps or vacuums will need to be brought in to help with the extraction!
Finally, there she is. Your little one is here at last. Just a few more decisions to make and you can hopefully relax. Do you want to suction the baby yourself or have your partner do it? Do you want to hold your baby before or after she is all cleaned up, suctioned, weighed, ointmented, eye dropped, etc? Do you want to breastfeed immediately? (I'm definitely going to breastfeed the moment after she is born before the clean-up, at least this much I'm sure of, as it solidifies the bond between mother and child). Speaking of holding the baby, there is actually an option to never hold them at all...yikes! I'm assuming this is for mothers that maybe are giving their baby up for adoption? Otherwise I can see no reason this would ever be considered as an option.
What about the umbilical cord? You can immediately cut it yourself or once again have a special someone do it and/or you can leave it in tact until it stops pulsating and then snip it.
Or snip it during the free fall?
You can then bank it or donate it if you so choose. I will be banking mine. And what about the placenta? Deliver spontaneously or induce it? Once again, your choice. You can also choose to see it or not before it gets discarded. To be completely honest, we're a bunch of Pagans and would like to keep the placenta so that we may bury it under a fruit tree in keeping with a long standing Pagan tradition. I'm not sure how modern medicine looks upon this, but I will be discussing it with my doctor. This may freak the doc out a bit, but surely no more than the hoard of dancing midgets.
At last the birthing process is complete and now you can relax and enjoy your little one. Oh geez, more questions? Seriously? Do you want to give the baby her first bath or let the nurses to handle it? Do you want her in the room with you at all times or in the nursery? Can she have a pacifier? Can she have a bottle? If she does not take to the breast right away would you prefer no bottle but instead try finger feeding? What the hell is finger feeding? Immunizations or no immunizations? Vitamin K or no Vitamin K? PKU testing or not? How long would you like to stay in the hospital? Do you want guests to visit? How many at a time? Is there anyone in particular who deems calling security if they show up? Would you like to fill out another questionnaire or two? Would you like to donate your first born to the hungry dingos in Australia?
And to finally wrap it all up....
Would you like some Percoset or other pain medication after delivery? YES!!!! And make it a double!!!
Better not make me ask this afterwards!
So you see, the entire birthing process is just not as simple as one would think. I would venture to say that it very well could be on the verge of getting out of hand! I had no idea that there would be so many questions to answer regarding the birth of my daughter. I guess if she was not my first I wouldn't see it as overwhelming. I know having all these choices is to make the birthing process more comfortable for all involved. I know it's all now geared toward focusing on the mother and child and no longer treating pregnancy as an illness, but really? Is a 8-page list of options really all that necessary? Is there a shorter form for us first-timers by chance?
My wants are quite simple...
I want to be in a private birthing suite where I'm allowed to have visitors. I want my mom present for all of it as she is my acting surrogate fahter. I want to hold off on drugs as long as I can and then move to a walking epidural. If that doesn't cut it and I freak out, then give me the standard one. Soft lighting would be nice and so would the ability to walk around as needed. I want lots of laughter because laughter is the best drug of all. I can handle anything as long as my sense of humor is maintained. As for the actual birth, I want to watch. I want an episiotomy with pain killers if necessary. And number one on my list, I DO NOT WANT A C-SECTION! No matter how long it takes, I want to have a vaginal birth. Unless it is an absolute, the baby or I are in dire straits situation, the option of a C-section is not on the table. I think too often doctors jump right into this option if the birth is taking too long for some reason. I don't care if it takes me two days, I want to have a regular birth. I want to breastfeed my baby as soon as she is born, we can clean her up later. I want her in the room with me at all times, preferably with as much contact as humanly possible. I want us to bond from the second she takes her first breath, anything less is not an option.
I want this immediately!
And I want to go home as soon as possible. Hospitals are not on my list of favorite places, so give me my painkillers and let me go on my way. And I'm taking the dancing midgets with me!
I don't know about the rest of you, but just reading about this whole birthing process is exhausting. The sad thing is, I didn't even go over every little thing on the menus. In all honesty, I left off quite a bit. It would have taken me days to discuss every point! Speaking of days, I think it's about time for me to call it one. Before I go, two quick thing...
1) Don't forget to follow Piper and I on Facebook
2) Vote for me on Top Baby Blogs if you get the notion!
