Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I Can't Unsee That!

I just made a fatal third trimester error in judgement!  I suggest if you have a squeamish and/or are easily offended side, that you turn back now.  DO NOT READ FURTHER!  I'm serious about this one. I cannot go back, for I am the one who made the error, but for all of you there is still time.  Choose wisely!

Seriously, this is the last warning!
Today whilst out shopping at the ye ole Wally World, I bought several bathroom items, one of which was a hand mirror.  I've been needing one for some time, so no biggie there.  This mirror was supposed to be for examining my hair from behind, as I hate a crooked pony tail or any other lopsided hairdo.  Call me crazy, but all those years of ballet training and putting my hair up for performances made me a bit too caring about how my hair looks.  Anyway, I digress....

Well there must have been crack up in the bowl of soup I had for dinner, as nothing else would explain my urge to examine my nether regions with said hand mirror.  I have heard stories about pregnant vaginas, and since I'm down to the two month warning bell and my doc will soon be examining mine regularly, or so I'm told, I guess I was somehow morbidly curious as to what exactly she would be a witness to while between my swollen thighs.

I have already had enough hoohah fears during this pregnancy.  I'm worried about my most likely botched grooming technique being on display in the delivery room.  I haven't been able to see my va-jay-jay, much less properly get to it for tidying up, for months now.  I do my best, but as I have mentioned in a previous entry, I'm thinking it may look like some half-shaved Chewbacaesque patch-work quilt down there.  I've been doing my best to practice grooming while unable to see the task at hand and bent into the most obscure positions just to reach down there, but I imagine that all my efforts are probably just making the situation worse.  I should probably just let it loose and go for the 1970s buckwheat locked in a headlock look, but I'm way too vain for that!

My sentiments exactly!
As a matter of fact, I blame my vanity for tonight's unforeseeable turn of events.  What the hell was I thinking looking at it like that?  What did I expect I would find?  A pretty, pretty princess puss with sparkles and glitter and spitting sunshine?  I knew better, but like a bad train wreck I just couldn't stop myself from taking a peek.  And now I'm blind!  Way to go you unkempt kooter, now you've done gone and blinded the one person who truly cared about you!  I hope you can sleep better at night knowing you have destroyed my retinas!  I'm honestly surprised the damned mirror didn't break, too!

Beaver says boo!

So what was my big horror you ask?  You sure you really want to know?  Well first off, what the fuck is going on down there?  I swear that some vagina snatcher snuck in my room and stole my real vagina and replaced it with something dug up from a dank swamp somewhere in Jersey!  I'm not kidding, that thing down there is not mine!  And I want mine back!

I used to love my hoohah with all my heart.  It was all cute and pretty and perky and lovely.  Now it's just big and droopy and swollen and dark and evil and something more akin to Gollum than to the heavenly creature it once was.

I'm sure you can figure out the reference for yourselves!
Not only is it absolutely hideous, it has also developed a few skin tags!  There, I said it.  I swore I would always be 100% honest about this whole pregnancy thing, and although it pains me to tell the truth right now, I could never allow another woman to discover that this could happen without a fair warning.  After scouring the internet and such, it turns out that skin tags are a perfectly normal occurrence during pregnancy.  They can occur a number of places, such as under the boobs, in the armpits, on the neck, and yes, even on the va-jay-jay.  Problem is, there wasn't one damn mention of this to me by other women or in any of my pregnancy books.

I think we all generally feel like this!
Yet there are a whole slew of forums with scared shitless women reaching out to find comfort in the fact that no other first time pregnant women were aware of this, either.  Is this some kind of sick inside pregnancy joke that all  first time mothers are left to discover on their own?  Had I been prepared I would be okay, BUT I WAS NOT PREPARED!  And you know what goes with being unprepared?  Debilitating shock and humiliation!  Not a good combo as they could possibly send a gal into preterm labor!

Apparently these little buggers go away once the baby is born, and if not can easily be removed, but still!  Not only do I now have to worry about my patchwork grooming and my ugly-ass swollen and disfigured koochie,
Looks about right!
I now have to suffer even more embarrassment that my doppelganger va-jay-jay has dangly lumps which are horrifying and totally out of my control.  It may be completely normal, and the docs and nurses may be totally oblivious to my embarrassment and discomfort, but how the hell am I supposed to relax and concentrate on giving birth knowing that my vagina is an unsightly mound of horrors?  It was bad enough knowing that I may poop on the delivery table during labor, but even that I can handle better than this!  I can also now understand why so many C-sections are being performed these days.  One look at that as a baby and I'd be screaming to take me out the other direction, too!

It's times like these that I'm glad to be single.  If I was married or dating, I would be one tight-legged non-giving-it-up gal right now.  No way would I ever let my significant other anywhere near that terror between my thighs!  How would I ever convince them that it wouldn't be like that forever?  I would be terrified they'd pack their bags and haul ass before I could even pull my granny panties back on.  I've heard that pregnant sex is pretty awesome, but it is obviously meant to test whether true love is up in the house because you'd have to love each other a lot to get past what's going on down there.

Yep, this would be the case if I was attached!
I know I have probably shared way too much with this one, but I just had to give a warning shout out to other women out there.  I'm sure a lot of women have never even seen what their vagina looks like, and they shouldn't start examining it while pregnant or it will completely screw them up for life.  However, for those of us who are completely and proudly aware of exactly how everything should be down there, of which I am one of those women, third trimester examination should be strictly avoided at all costs as it will be worse on us than the women who are clueless.  While they may be frightened by what they find, they lack a base for comparison.  When I think of how I used to look pre-pregnancy versus now, I just want to break down and cry.

I sort of feel like this!
On the upside, it won't remain in this grotesque stage forever.  This is just part of what we women have to go through to create life.  It's a small price to pay in the long run, I suppose.  I guess I could take my horror and turn it into bragging rights or something.  With all the swelling and nastiness, I could probably compete for the Guinness title of world's scariest camel toe, but I'll refrain and keep my horror suppressed to this single blog entry.

After all, things could be worse!
I hope I haven't lost any readers with my candidness on this one, but I could never forgive myself if I didn't throw my own comfort to the wind and share this with others out there who may be sitting in their bedrooms with a hand mirror, pregnant, and crying for their lost vaginal beauty.  Be strong my fellow mothers-to-be.  This is just but a temporary discomfort that we will all get through one way or another. Just keep concentrating on that beautiful baby you're growing inside you, and forget about the Frankensteinish swamp monster that has come to inhabit your nether regions...for this too shall pass.  At least that's how I'm coping right now as massive amounts of tequila are out of the question for the time being!

 That and a little bit of Primus!



Until my next horrific discovery, you know what to do!

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